And what are you supposed to do when the one person you always counted on and depended on, isnt going to be there anymore. How am I suppose to breathe knowing I have disappointed him so much that he comes to the point of judging me like this. Its like the only way i can do right is to leave and figure it out without his help. But wasnt his help what I needed? Its what I counted on. Its what he promised to give me.. And I dont know if I should be more confused or more hurt because all that he has supported for me and helped me with in life is now all gone. He doesnt care about any of it and he doesnt want to see me succeed on my own. He only wants me to succeed on his terms and I am done living how he expects me to. I need to live for me now.
and i guess i can’t even put my finger on it. maybe it’s the same thing that has always been missing but maybe its not.. my heart just hurts and these tragedies keep bringing the pain up but i ultimately think the pain is much more worse than that. it’s like i can feel so much for someone i don’t know but when it comes down to me, i can’t feel at all. i know somethings wrong but i don’t know what it is. and i try to find someone to share it with but it seems everyone is tied up in their own. i don’t really know what im getting into, im just rambling. but i dont know what else to think or talk about when im just laying here so sad for no reason..
|—||Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, October 3 (via practice-self-love)|
I haven’t been on here in a while. I mean I have been on here and I have re blogged and found cute funny things or ironic sayings but I haven’t really been on here. If you know what I mean. I haven’t spent time thinking for myself or writing how I feel or even expressing any of it in any form. And guess what? I’m tired. Yeah, well we all knew that was coming. For me, I have to express myself and I am so sick and tired of being so caught up in someones dream of me that I haven’t been me. I almost feel sick ya know. I spent the last year and half building a dream almost a fairytale and now I can’t even look it in the eye and say hey I am happy. Because I don’t think I really truly am. And I honestly don’t know why and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I guess I am here telling you all this because it is the only place I can voice exactly how I feel and not over think or underestimate it.. I just I need to get it all out, write it all down. And maybe after I do that then I can figure out where to go. Or maybe I won’t, I am not quite sure but at least I’m gunna try..
In the beginning it was perfect, everything we had and did was a blast and I picked up so much slack for him because I wanted him to see that I was trying and I cared. It was hard to make it work but when it did, it seemed real. The night he asked me to move in I spent crying though. And not a good cry either, I ran away that night and I got confused and hurt and I let myself act on that. The past was there and it led me into bad mistakes but I was informed I would never get what I needed from that and to move on. So move on I did. I moved in with him and we started our life, or so I thought. But once the bar closed and he got a real job and he talked me into quitting mine, it sucked. It began to suck even more when we moved so far from everything and everyone.
The weekend after signing for the house, I went home. I actually was really tempted to stay there and not come back. For I loved him but I loved the idea of having anything ahead of me and when push came to shove I couldn’t forget him. I loved him and all we have. We got a dog. I crafted and decorated and perfected his daughters room. She moved in and I raised her as mine. But then the break down came. He was gone. Gone more than I signed up for and worked more than I wanted. And he claims he bust his ass for us to be happy but in reality bringing home the paycheck is the easy part. The hard part is sitting at home wondering of everything else and everywhere else you could be. So I got annoyed and I spent my time and money running around trying to fill my happiness but it didn’t work. My dog became my only friend and I pushed the guy I loved away because I felt like this pain in my heart was his fault.
In reality it is no ones fault. I shouldn’t have committed. I think at this age we are too young to know what we want. But how do you love someone and not know if your life is meant to be together? That’s what hurts. It hurts me to hold it in but it hurt me more to tell him. I left, I moved out and the pain came tumbling down. Looking back, I gave in too fast. I came back and fell into habit and maybe everything looks okay or felt okay but it wasn’t okay. At the end of the day, night, week, month I always come back to this uncertainty. And I don’t know what it is or why it is but I am sure that is has something to do with the fact that I am unhappy.
And how can you really be completely unhappy and miserable with the one person you love in the world the most? Like it really does not make sense to me. I guess what I want, what I need to figure out is why I am so messed up. I keep blaming it on my depression or on my meds but I know that it’s not either of those. In reality I wish I could say I know I’m pushing myself away and I won’t do it. But the thing is I’m not doing this to myself. Every time he left, a piece of me went and now there is no more left to leave. He claims to miss me but I can’t miss him anymore. How fucked up am I? to love him so much but know that I don’t miss him. It’s like he is in a committed relationship with me and I am in a dysfunctional relationship with myself.
I have gone and hurt myself and hurt others and done things that I am not proud of. He says that I am the girl of his dreams but if he knew what I did behind his back he would never say that. If he knew how I got my fix to sleep at night or how drunk I needed to be to sleep all by myself then he would maybe see my issues. Maybe I just want to have some dignity. Maybe I just don’t want him to judge me for being such a fucking mess. I mean to be fair I was chasing my past long before he came into my life, he just never knew about it..
I have become someone I never wanted to be. I cry myself to sleep, I get intense migraines just because I am so unhappy. At the end of the day I want nothing more than for him to hold me and tell me it will be okay. But it never is. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I don’t even know if I can do this for the rest of the year. But it hurts me to bad to see him hurt. Maybe I have to be selfish but I don’t want to be. I wish there could be a simple way out of this but I don’t know one.
The more fucked up thing is that I think I convince myself it is okay. I convince myself I am happy and I start to look forward. I tell him everything I have dreamed of for the future and all that I want. But I don’t think I can bare to tell him I don’t want it soon and I don’t want it with him. I know that’s wrong in every way and I have dug myself into a big giant hole. I don’t know how to get out without destroying his life and possibly breaking my heart.
But why risk having a cracked heart for life when it can break now and slowly be healed…
This may sound selfish to some, but I believe that it’s entirely true at this point in our lives. This is a time when we are laying the foundation for our future. It doesn’t matter if we’re working, going to school, or travelling. Our experiences now will shape us until the day we die. And with so many doors open before us, I just can’t bring myself to close some of them by being in a relationship. The more I think about this, the more I start to realize that perhaps it’s not the person that’s wrong for me, but the time. I spend a lot of time telling friends that if they are not in the right frame of mind, they should not date. Things are starting to fall into place now, and I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m not in the right frame of mind either.